Skip to content


November 27, 2010

Distance = Time = Failure

It’s the time of year when people start behaving like Christmas is just around the corner, which is good, because that’s exactly where it is; lurking like a fat perv down a dark alley, ready to offer wholly unsatisfactory and inappropriate gifts in a misinformed attempt at love. But this time of year isn’t just about obese deviants handing out old pants, it’s also the time of year when people start considering their “New Year’s Resolutions”.

It struck me recently that “New Year’s Resolution” has become a by-phrase for gradual, spirit crushing failure – so why do so many people still embark on these journeys of distress? Idiocy? Hope? It’s difficult to say, perhaps a little of both. I myself have been one of those hopeful idiots, toiling over a self-imposed sentence of gloom. Not this year. Because this year I have introduced a system I call, “Easy Things I Have Set Myself to Do Next Year If I Feel in the Right Mood to Do Them” or “ETIHSMTDNYIIFITRMTDT”.

The system works thus: instead of laying down firm, daunting resolutions like “run 15 times a week”, or “scoff more veg” (which are ultimately depressing tasks). I have resolved to make myself happier by setting “Annual Missions” – and they should be called Annual Missions because it makes the whole process sound much more intense – which I can not only achieve incredibly easily, but that I will also really like. Each “Annual Mission” also has a sub-clause written into its contract. This sub-clause effectively states that if at any point I should find the task somehow overwhelming, for whatever reason, it becomes a Shit One. A shit task not worth doing. For example, “Ergh, 100% completing Red Dead Redemption is a Shit One”.

So here are 5 of my “Easy Things I Have Set Myself to Do Next Year If I Feel in the Right Mood to Do Them” or “ETIHSMTDNYIIFITRMTDT” or “Annual Missions” along with their potential drawbacks:

Mission #01: Eat Nicer Biscuits.

Sometimes in life, I feel that the biscuits I’m eating aren’t really nice enough. I’m often painfully aware that I have outgrown pink wafers and party rings, and that I’m really only thumbing them into my gob for nostalgic reasons. So this year I’ll be endeavouring to eat more sophisticated biscuits, maybe even ones from M&S(!).

Potential Drawbacks: Crumbs.

Mission #02: Stop Eating Celery

Pretty easy one this. I genuinely enjoy the times when I’m not eating celery, and given that I never eat celery anyway, it should be relatively easy to continue not eating celery. This is a useful tactic when compiling your list – just add in something you already never do and then you can carry on as normal whilst still achieving your goal.

Potential Drawbacks: None.

Mission #03: Spend More Time Drunk.

Easily achievable through the acquisition of extra alcohol, being drunk requires minimum effort and is often a right old laugh. Laughing, as Wikipedia states, is “an audible expression of happiness, or an inward feeling of joy. It may ensue from hearing a joke, being tickled, or other stimuli (they probably mean alcohol here). It is in most cases a very pleasant sensation.” And really, that’s what these missions are about, “very pleasant sensations”.

Potential drawbacks: None/Liver damage and collapse of professional career.

Mission #04: Buy a DVD

This very much falls into the “Easier Said Than Done” category. There are lots of really bad films, for example films with Danny Dyer in. So landing my buying hand on a decent one could be tough. It’s fortunate, then, that I have eyes, allowing me to assess the front of a DVD case and determine whether Danny Dyer’s name is on it.

Potential Drawbacks: Accidentally buying a film with Danny Dyer in.

Mission #05: Have a Birthday.

This should not be confused with having a birthday party. This mission simply demands that I stay alive until my next birthday. This is a WIN WIN situation. Should I make it to my next birthday, really great, I will have successfully completed my mission. If not, fuck it, I’m dead.

Potential Drawbacks: Increasing age. Also, may be hindered by Mission #03.

After the amassing of these Annual Missions I feel confident, even brash, in the face of 2011. I almost feel like I could drunkenly spit biscuit crumbs on its desk without recourse, before I run off to watch a new DVD on my birthday. And all whilst not eating celery. It’s going to be a good year.


The best thing I’ve seen today

October 15, 2010

What’s going on? Someone trying to reviving the blog with a mere video? Yes, this is what’s happening and for no real reason other than me wanting to share this video. I’m sure you’re pleased already, this is good. 

It’s of a projection light show on the 600 year old Prague Astronomical Clock, a clock which already holds a respectable place in my top clocks of the world list. However, what they do with the light display takes it up by approximately two notches.

To save me going into detail about the clock itself you can go ahead and visit everyone’s know-it-all friend, wikipedia.

For now though, watch and enjoy this video, it’ll be the best thing you see today.

The 600 Years from the macula on Vimeo.

EL-P Remixes Justin Bieber: Does Good Job

July 5, 2010

Through the wonder of twitter a weird kind of threesome of has occured; 1 man, 1 teenager, and 1 music website (fortunately no cups). The man is underground hip-hop icon El-P, the teenager is the plainest cardboard cut out of a pop-star, Justin Bieber (a human so achingly dull, and so lacking in physical substance that he’s become a conundrum for physicists all over the world; according to all known laws of physics he should in fact have imploded at birth), and the website is that loveliest of places,

Over the last week, via twitter, XLR8R has been jokingly goading El-P into to doing a remix of a Justin Bieber’s “The Baby” (a song about an average member of his core demographic). El-P agreed that if they provided the acapella, he would dutifully go about sullying young Beiber’s voice with a standard El-P banger. XLR8R came through and thus so did El-P; it’s a weird mix of El-P, Bieber, and oddly, Paul McCartney and Wings’ “Live and Let Die“… anyway, have a listen here – Baby – El-P Death Mix

The Tragic Story of Charlie Groff: The Bear Who Wanted to be Hardcore (A Graphic Novel)

July 3, 2010

This is a story of reputation, of debauchery, of illegal substances, of love, and, at it’s core, of bears. It’s a story whose moral compass has a  needle pointing directly into the throbbing, belted vein of society… Slip on your roller blades, because this is a story that is guaranteed to move you.

Musings on the England World Cup Campaign

June 28, 2010

England’s exit from the WORLD CUP 2010 is, in so many ways, ineffably tragic; clearly comparable in reality to a natural disaster in which many people have died. What will happen to our once great nation now that Rooney is rubbish? Will we ever recover from the goal that was but wasn’t? Probably not. It’s an awful, squalid time of mourning which will no doubt spiral downwards until we are all just running round the streets – our minds and clothes long gone – simply screaming, “Pass it to Rooney!”, “Hit it Frankie!”, “Well up Terry!” (in reference to a header, in case you were wondering).

In fact, England’s departure from the tournament was so distressing for some people that they felt as though Fabio Capello had in some way relied directly upon them, that they’d completely failed him. Take ITV reporter Gabriel Clarke who, with a dramatic change between third and first person, illustrated his deep nonsensical feeling of personal culpability, saying, “Fabio Capello has said he will not be resigning, but made it clear that he would be discussing his future with the Football Association to see if they still have confidence in me or not…” It’s ok Gabriel, it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

Things began to get even weirder when Fabio Capello decided to conduct Steven Gerrard’s post match interview himself – perhaps already realising he needs a different career path…

The mentality of the England football team is often staggeringly incongruous with itself; at first they’re all like, “Woah, come on! Let’s try and bloody win this stupid thing!” and then they saunter brazenly onto the pitch and are more like, “This thing is so rubs, I don’t even want to win it’s so lame” And so they leg it around trying to make it look like they’re doing something, when actually they’re just running past each other whispering brief conversations about all the girls they have/will have sex with in the coming week.

The biggest disappointment was though, a certain Liverpudlian named Wayne Rooney. There’s a strange feeling of nostalgia one gets when thinking about that glorious old time when Rooney used pull on an England shirt and flirt audaciously with the back of the net. Now however, he’s playing so hard to get that he’s forgotten its phone number. I have a theory about Rooney’s relative no show at this world cup. Watching him, with the sound of a thousand Vuvuzelas droning on relentlessly in the background, reminded me of a story I once read regarding Wayne’s sleeping habits. It was reported, in the ahem, “mail online“, that Rooney can only get to sleep with the hoover on in the backgorund and, failing that, he puts Coleen’s hairdryer on full blast.  Once in possession of that snippet of information, Rooney’s borderline narcoleptic performances begin to make a lot of sense when considering the oppressive buzzing of African horns. The good news is that the next major international tournament, the European Championships in 2012, are being held in Poland and Ukraine where, to the best of my knowledge, there isn’t a strong culture of horn blowing and so will allow Rooney to remain fully awake. Basically, it’s 100% guaranteed that England will take home the trophy in 2012 – so in conclusion, chin up yeah?

Death to the Death Penalty

June 24, 2010

Obviously, there is much to be said about the death penalty, and from your writer’s perspective, nothing positive. My intention here is not to preach, however, having recently come across this very poignant and well produced video I thought it would be nice to share. Produced by Digital District for Amnesty International, its a very short film titled, “Death to the Death Penalty”

Check it out below (happier, more light hearted posts to follow soon, I promise).

Axe Cop – when a 5 year old writes and a 29 year old animates.

June 21, 2010

“We should put these heads on a stick and hide bombs in them”

I don’t really know what more to write than what’s in the title, 5 year old boy and his 29 year old brother go about making a comic series. Naturally it has Dinosaurs getting involved and a few other crazy things that will probably do well to remind you of what your imagination was once capable of before life got you all jaded.

The Episode One video is below and other episodes should be easy enough to find on youtube, there are also some comics on but I’ve never checked them out for some reason, probably because an reading online comic feels like a lot more effort to me than watching a short video. Such is the fickleness of my relationship with the internet.

Anyway, click the video and enjoy.