Musings on the England World Cup Campaign
England’s exit from the WORLD CUP 2010 is, in so many ways, ineffably tragic; clearly comparable in reality to a natural disaster in which many people have died. What will happen to our once great nation now that Rooney is rubbish? Will we ever recover from the goal that was but wasn’t? Probably not. It’s an awful, squalid time of mourning which will no doubt spiral downwards until we are all just running round the streets – our minds and clothes long gone – simply screaming, “Pass it to Rooney!”, “Hit it Frankie!”, “Well up Terry!” (in reference to a header, in case you were wondering).
In fact, England’s departure from the tournament was so distressing for some people that they felt as though Fabio Capello had in some way relied directly upon them, that they’d completely failed him. Take ITV reporter Gabriel Clarke who, with a dramatic change between third and first person, illustrated his deep nonsensical feeling of personal culpability, saying, “Fabio Capello has said he will not be resigning, but made it clear that he would be discussing his future with the Football Association to see if they still have confidence in me or not…” It’s ok Gabriel, it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
Things began to get even weirder when Fabio Capello decided to conduct Steven Gerrard’s post match interview himself – perhaps already realising he needs a different career path…
The mentality of the England football team is often staggeringly incongruous with itself; at first they’re all like, “Woah, come on! Let’s try and bloody win this stupid thing!” and then they saunter brazenly onto the pitch and are more like, “This thing is so rubs, I don’t even want to win it’s so lame” And so they leg it around trying to make it look like they’re doing something, when actually they’re just running past each other whispering brief conversations about all the girls they have/will have sex with in the coming week.
The biggest disappointment was though, a certain Liverpudlian named Wayne Rooney. There’s a strange feeling of nostalgia one gets when thinking about that glorious old time when Rooney used pull on an England shirt and flirt audaciously with the back of the net. Now however, he’s playing so hard to get that he’s forgotten its phone number. I have a theory about Rooney’s relative no show at this world cup. Watching him, with the sound of a thousand Vuvuzelas droning on relentlessly in the background, reminded me of a story I once read regarding Wayne’s sleeping habits. It was reported, in the ahem, “mail online“, that Rooney can only get to sleep with the hoover on in the backgorund and, failing that, he puts Coleen’s hairdryer on full blast. Once in possession of that snippet of information, Rooney’s borderline narcoleptic performances begin to make a lot of sense when considering the oppressive buzzing of African horns. The good news is that the next major international tournament, the European Championships in 2012, are being held in Poland and Ukraine where, to the best of my knowledge, there isn’t a strong culture of horn blowing and so will allow Rooney to remain fully awake. Basically, it’s 100% guaranteed that England will take home the trophy in 2012 – so in conclusion, chin up yeah?